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The pain they’ve felt

I do not believe that there is a person, who never felt hurt in their lifetime. The first thing, a newborn is doing, when it arrives, is crying and screaming. It’s like: “Hey, prepare for your life, little baby. You are going to cry a lot more.” Without sounding like I am going to write a pessimistic, shady, deep dark post, I want to tell you a little story. A story about the pain they’ve felt.

I won’t tell you, who I am, and will, talk about. I think a big amount of courage is needed to even talk about this in public. But to tell, who these people are, is not okay. First of all: I am not blaming anyone. It’s a matter of justice. There were made many mistakes in the past. People got hurt for no reason, and there was nobody, who would’ve fought for their rights. I’m just a person who’s affected over corners. It’s not my story, but I’m playing a part in it. The part of the victim, who was hurt, because nobody cared.

Do you know, how it feels, to be alone? Left behind with three children, only a few years old? The ones, of whom you thought as your dearest and nearest, betrayed you, and then there is this damn illness, you just can’t cure because you don’t even have a penny in your pocket?

We always speak like we could understand, how someone is feeling. Like we are able to reconstruct their train of thoughts. There is this little common thing, we share: Pain. And still, we can’t understand the pain of others. We are only guests in their minds, invited by their telling. Nothing more than some viewers in an audience, as big as the number of people they decided to tell about their inner emotions. The bad thing about it: As much as we hurt by the stories they tell, as much as we would like to help them heal, we are not able to cure just one bit of their pain. We sit there like little kids, we see them hurting, but we can’t do anything.

Now, what would you tell to somebody, whose husband died, while there were three little kids and not enough money to even buy food for ONE person? What would you tell this person, if her brother betrayed her and stole the last thing, with which they could’ve survived? And what would you recommend her to do, when her mother helped her son, while she watched her daughter getting destroyed with the time? Well, all of this has nothing to do with me. I’ve never heard of this story my whole life, until last year. But there was a moment, where I’ve asked: “What would have happened if things turned out differently? Would the present be as different as the one, we all live now?”

Nisa Hilal playing with snow, photo for "The pain they've felt" published on Peonycrescent

Pain is subjective. There are methods, with which you can measure it. But, I don’t believe, that some numbers on a scale are able to represent whatever is hurting you. Even the most complicated words are not able to describe what we are going through. No sentence is long enough to show, how much pain we feel. And no word’s definition is deep enough to reach the bottom of our hearts, which contain the pain. So how should a simple number understand the hurt we feel? The hurt, they’ve felt?

When I was in therapy, I’ve learned that no subject, no occurrence, and no thought is as simple as it seems. I’ve gone through many panic attacks, anxiety, and nervous breakdowns. And all of this was not, like I said before, as simple, as it seems. Not a little bit. When you sit there and just talk for a moment about the weather, the politics and even about ginger tea, you don’t really talk about all of these. Well, to understand what I mean, you have to accept, that a deep-sitting mental problem, is the controller of all of you moves, your thoughts, and your subjects you talk about. 

The pain they’ve felt, was the reason, for the pain, I’ve felt. And, although I learned about this pain just a few months ago, I now know that this pain defined my life for too long. As you can see, it turns out to be an optimistic post. Like, I don’t feel this anymore. And they don’t feel this anymore. We managed to talk about all of this, and let go. It happens to be a miracle, that I was affected by something, I didn’t know, was existing. But as I said before: The reason for all of the things you are doing, thinking and saying, is sitting deep down in yourself. And being raised, being in contact with someone automatically will affect you too. So, it’s not impossible to solve who these people are.

But the only thing, I would like to say to end this pain is: Whatever seems like a curse, like something undefinable hurting and totally irrational to you, search for the reason. Search for something, that affected you, and cut it off by its roots.

Signature of N. Hilal from Selîhâl